To wake, to dream
by Song of Stillness
Summary: Chihiro suffers from a dissociate disorder which causes her to retreat into her own mind where she is comforted by voices from the past
1. A New Painting

**To wake, to dream**

_Author's Note:_ Chihiro is now an adult, but she is haunted by the voices of the past. She has recently been put in a mental-health ward for several months but now she is back in the community, living in a flat in a dilapidated part of town. Chihiro suffers from a dissociate disorder which makes her retreat into her own mind and memories and re-live a lot of her experiences as a much younger girl, which is why a lot of her behaviour appears to be child-like.

**Chapter 1: A new painting**

Today was different. Chihiro could feel it in her bones. Today smelt different, like a faint memory from her childhood. She closed her eyes, drinking in the early morning sunlight that poured in her flat through the vertical slats in the blinds. Slowly, she walked over to the easel which stood by the grimy window. This was the best painting she'd ever done, she was sure of it. Soft and ethereal, it was like a memory from a dream.

o0o

Eiko trod carefully up the decrepit staircase, careful not to tread on the shards of broken glass. She hated this place, hated the fact that most of her recovering clients were sent to dilapidated flats in rundown red light districts. But after all, it was usually only what they could afford. Breathing somewhat unevenly she reached number 13 and knocked carefully on the door, fishing around in her bag for the prescription drugs. Chihiro answered, holding the door open, her eyes locking with Eiko's.

"Hello," Eiko said brightly, ignoring the blazing stare. She was used to that with Chihiro. Actually, Chihiro was one of her favourite clients, silent and mysteriously sad as well. Eiko never quite understood her.

"Can I come in…?"

Chihiro made no sound, but slightly stood aside, the light streaming down her back and shoulders.

"Wow… it's so light in here today," Eiko commented, handing Chihiro her pills.

"Here you go …"

Eiko's eyes scanned the room, taking in the surprising lightness of it all, not the usual dampness and clothes everywhere, when she noticed the easel.

"Oh Chihiro… you've been painting again?" Her eyes lit up. Chihiro had not painted, from what she could remember since she'd been at the ward. Eiko still had a picture that she had drawn of a red bridge and a fantastical building on her wall in her office.

"May I look…?"

Again, Chihiro didn't speak, but the corner of her mouth seemed to come up slightly.

Eiko strode over and gasped. It was beautiful. The style, she recognised from the many paintings Chihiro had done in rehab, but this one was definitely special.

"Who is he," she whispered.

Chihiro looked at her, and once again Eiko was captured by the sadness, pain and mystery etched into the very depths.

"You don't know…? Well, that's a shame. He looks like a Prince to me…"

"River god."

Eiko jerked her head up in surprise, thinking she was hearing things.

"Did you say something Chihiro?" she said, stunned.

"He's a river god."

Eiko, smiled, feeling hope flow through her veins. Hopefully this meant, she was coming back, at least a little.

Walking back down the stairs, Eiko reflected on when Chihiro had first been brought to the ward, she had been diagnosed with a type of dissociate disorder. She had the company of voices in her head and was silent and withdrawn, but Eiko had seen something different in Chihiro today. It amazed her, but also scared her in a way. She had this uncanny feeling that things were changing…

And in her mind's eye she could see the painting…the painting of the boy with the jade eyes.


	2. Voices

**Chapter 2: Voices**

Chihiro mused as she balanced along the cement railing over her favourite bridge. The day was unbelievably sunny, not a cloud in sight and there was a curious warm wind which brought back the aching feeling of nostalgia. She had a strange dream the night before of pigs that turned into her parents, a glorious leafy garden with bright flowers, and a dragon as blinding white as the sun. She could still feel the iridescent, cool scales underneath her fingertips. And a voice, a musical voice like a rushing stream.

"_You did it Chihiro. You remembered my name…"_

A face smiled at her from out of her dream, eyes glowing like the gleam of sunlight on the water. It made her ache inside, a familiar ache that was becoming more painful each day. She bent to pick up an old bottle cap on the pavement and an old cigarette butt. The smell of lingering smoke conjured up images of the ward and her 'smoking buddy' Captain who would save her a seat near the ventilation shafts on the spongy, rhubarb-red ground (hazard-proof and OH&S proof). But that memory, like all her memories was as elusive and ephemeral as the smoke itself and like all patients she was put through rehabilitation and back into the community, left to survive alone.

She stopped, her mind filling with a familiar presence. She smiled, pressing her hands to her mouth in excitement.

_He was here._

She bent her head, smiling, listening to his well-loved voice.

"No… she was quite nice today… she even noticed my painting…"

_She did?_

"Yes, she liked it. She said so."

Chihiro was used to this; she always had voices inside her head, no matter what the psychiatrist prescribed for her. But they comforted her, looked after her. It was actually mostly one voice, a male voice. Deep and warm, a voice that reminded her of the mountains at night, or the wind in the trees, or the ocean. She didn't particularly want to get rid of the voices either, they made her feel safe.

"She said he looked like a Prince." Chihiro twirled the bottle cap between her fingers.

_Did she? _The voice seemed to laugh at that.

"Yes. But he's not."

_How do you know?_

"I just know." Chihiro's eyes followed an elderly couple as they walked past her in patches of dappled sunshine, arm in arm.

_Do you remember him…?_

Chihiro bit her lip in concentration, plopping down on the sidewalk. "No. I don't think so. But I've seen him before… in a dream…"

A young teen, clutching a small red, glossy handbag walked by, her feet in tiny stilettos. She gave Chihiro a dubious look and resumed a slightly faster pace than before.

Chihiro sighed, as the voice became silent. She leant over the bridge willing the voice to come back.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Come back… It's not my fault I don't know who he is…"

Passer-by's stared at her strangely as she cried out in exasperation. But there was no voice, not even a whisper.

Suddenly a flash of movement caught her eye. She spun around, the sun playing elusive tricks on the road. She caught a flash of an image, laughter, someone calling her name. She followed blindly, the bottle cap spinning from her hands. She dashed from the pavement.

_Where was that voice?_

Another time she had heard the same voice, like the voice in her mind, only clearer and more substantial as if hearing something clearly after years of listening to the same voice through a thick fog. She had been wandering through an ornamental garden with a red bridge and tiny lantern-like houses. _For the Spirits_, she had been told, when all of a sudden she had heard a voice and it had been like waking up from a dream. She had rushed towards the sound, crying out a name she didn't know, but no one had answered, no one came running. And she was left standing next to the tea-house peering through circular windows with tears on her cheeks.

But now… she felt sure, she would find the owner of the mysterious mind-voice.

"_Chihiro."_

Her heart fluttered and she stepped out onto the road, her eyes locked on a boy, no… a man, just standing there, the wind caught in his hair. He smiled at her, opening his arms and she smiled back tentatively walking towards him. Suddenly his face grew pale and his green eyes widened.

"Chihiro, No!"

She spun, turning right into the blaring lights of the oncoming traffic.


	3. The boy with the jade eyes

**Chapter 3: The boy with the jade eyes**

Eiko stopped at the newspaper stand, the morning paper in one hand and a foam coffee cup in the other. Her mind mused back to the strange and beautiful painting that she had seen in Chihiro's apartment. The boy had looked so real, almost as if he could have stepped off the paper. She sipped some of the warm froth and shook the paper, still not quite concentrating enough to read the headlines.

_But those eyes… they were haunting…_

She looked up just in time to evade a near accident with a boy on a bicycle.

"Sorry!" she called after him, but he zoomed on, shouting a few well-chosen profanities over his shoulder.

_Sheesh. Kids these days._

As far as what she was concerned, Eiko's life was involved with fixing people. Not that her own life was perfect – far from it in fact. She had barely spoken to her daughter in a year and somehow Chihiro reminded her of that every time she saw her. But it was somehow safer fixing other people up, it took away the pain of seeing the void in one's own life…but then again some people did not want to be fixed. She glanced at the ragged old man beside the walkway, holding up his dirty cardboard sign. She recognised him from the ward.

Nearly swarmed with the busy afternoon pedestrians, Eiko began to walk back to work, the wailing scream of sirens in her ears. She craned her neck over the crowd, to see where the ambulance was going. It swerved the corner and sped up the street, turning, lights flashing down one street which Eiko knew led straight across the Suzuri bridge. She stopped dead.

_Oh God, oh God oh god. Eiko had a sudden premonition. Please god, please… don't let it be what I think it is…_

She pushed through the crowd, her ears ringing.

o0o

She was in a tunnel, which looked curiously like the underside of the Suzuri bridge except it was so light. And it was quiet, so quiet she could hear her heartbeat.

Where was she?

"Chihiro…"

Heart beating hard in her chest, Chihiro spun around, coming face to face with the same young man who looked achingly familiar.

"Chihiro…" he said softly, and she found herself captivated by the intensity and concern in his jade-green eyes. "I was so worried… thank the gods you're _here_… in the _Spirit Realm_. I don't know what I would have done…" He broke off, his voice breaking with emotion.

"Who are you?" she whispered in wonder.

He smiled sadly taking her hand, "Don't you remember?"

She felt the warm pressure of his hand in hers and felt an inexplicable wave of nostalgia sweep through her body, of sadness, longing and a child-like euphoria. It conjured up images of red lanterns bobbing in the wind, a tall red brick building, the smell of exotic cooked food, a white dragon soaring through the sky… a boy …and in that instant she remembered… remembered everything…

"You came for me," she whispered, her eyes bright with tears.

He nodded, his beautiful eyes lighting up like the sky after a storm.

He gently touched her face, smoothing away the tears. She closed her eyes, leaning into his touch. She couldn't explain the warmth that swept through her body as he leant in and gently touched his forehead to hers.

_Haku…_


	4. A White Dragon

**Chapter 4: A white dragon**

Eiko raced across the road, weaving in and out of the traffic that had accumulated across the intersection. Where was Chihiro, where was she? She needed to know, to calm her frantic mind, her thoughts spinning in turmoil.

_God, where is she? Where is she?_

But there was something on the road, a small figure like a child, against the bleeping of horns, and the blaring of sirens.

_No, no no no. Please No._

Eiko felt her throat dry up in fear, bitter tears scalding in her eyes.

But –wait…

there was someone with her. Eiko screwed up her eyes but couldn't recognise him… a boy? Standing over the small figure, long dark hair blowing in the wind. People rushed onto the scene, the paramedics got there first, efficient, zipped in yellow jackets. But why didn't anyone see the boy? He was just standing there beside her… And then he knelt and touched her gently. Eiko began to call out in protest, but a policeman came and held on to her arm.

"Sorry Miss, I'm afraid you can't go any closer…"

"But you don't understand! That's my… she's my... Let go of me. Let go!"

But the man held onto her tightly. At that moment, the boy turned and pierced her with amazing soul-searching eyes. She found herself absorbed in his calming, sea-green gaze, filled with sadness and hope. It overwhelmed her.

o0o

Chihiro smiled, looking up into the face she knew so well, which was now glowing, his eyes alive and shimmering with a look she couldn't place. Her body thrummed with tremulous, wild joy. He'd come back, he hadn't forgotten his promise. He was here, here right now…He was so open, so free and beautiful in that moment as he leant over her that she couldn't help herself. She pulled his head down and kissed him.

_Kissed him._

And time seemed to stand still, as she felt the eager warmth of his lips on hers, his hands in her hair, drawing circles on her back… the gentle wind suspending her senses as it picked her up and transported her to another time, another place…

But all she could think of was him, his fervent passion, his bright, unchangeable love for her that flowed through his entire being in ripples and waves that threatened to tip her over, making her weak at the knees. He tasted like a river, calm yet wild all at once.

She broke for air, feeling his uneven breath on her cheek.

"I think you still have a choice. You can go back, if you wish…" he whispered in her hair.

"_Please."_ She begged, slipping her arms around his waist. "Take me with you; _please_…I don't want to live in my world anymore… I can't… I can't do this anymore…"

He gently placed a finger on her lips, stilling her near panic attack.

Looking up at him, Chihiro saw the unclouded expression in his eyes for what it really was. A love as constant and boundless as the ocean.

He tipped her face up to his, leaning in to kiss her again.

Then he took her hand,

and they flew.

o0o

The lights flashed and burned neon colours on her retinas, but Eiko could barely see past her tears as the one person she had cared for lay crumpled and broken beyond repair on the tarmac. Frantic voices slowed to a still.

"We just lost her…I'm so sorry…"

Chihiro. _Chihiro_, she wept softly, as the policeman called for a nearby paramedic. Beside her, a man was talking, frightened, face pale, dirty tear-streaked. "Just stepped in front of me. She just stepped onto the road… I couldn't stop…"

…it was an accident…"

"Please…" she looked up at the policeman. "I knew this girl… she was sick… but she was recovering…she was…"

"These eye-witnesses say she stepped right off the pavement…"

"But there was a boy… there was definitely a boy – no, a man… he had eyes like the sea…" She was babbling and she knew it.

The paramedic looked at her quite kindly, but firmly took her elbow and led her to the pavement. "There was no one else miss, we put the young girl in the ambulance… there was no one else there, I can assure you…"

"But I saw him, he was standing right there!"

They asked her to come to the station to speak about the victim, but all she could think of was that small body, lying there on the dark road. Eiko, brushed the tears from her eyes, wondering what was happening to her. It felt like her world was crumbling right before her eyes.

There were still crowds of people pushing to get past, but the uniformed policemen were trying to hold them back.

In front of her, a child hanging on to its mother's hand broke away suddenly and pointed excitedly up at the sky.

"Mummy, a dragon – look! It's a dragon!"

The mother gripped the small hand a little more firmly and pulled the child along, eager to get her child away from the sad destruction on the road.

"Not now sweetie…mummy's trying to concentrate…"

But the child was adamant.

"Mummy look at the white dragon!"

Huddled against the sidewalk, Eiko looked up, blinking against the bright sunlight. It did indeed look like a flying white dragon, but maybe it was a plane? It filled her with hope somehow. She remembered the boy at the scene of the accident. Where had she seen him before? A vague memory of bright-green eyes stared out from a painting and her mind filled with wonder.

Above her, a blinding streak of silver-white flashed across the sky bound heavenward.


End file.
